The Committee
The committee never reaches consensus. It merely adjourns until morning.
They all file into the room. A table waits for them in the front. Each seat has a microphone, a bottle of water, and a name plate. They take their seats, and take a moment to position themselves, and open their water bottles.
Chairman: Welcome everyone. We would like to keep things organized today. You’ll hear from each director in turn, and we will take questions…
Director of Health: Sorry…It’s just. We’re having chest pain. And I know this happens frequently, sometimes it’s benign. Other times we have…
Director of Body Image: I hate to interrupt, but we don’t love the cardiologist. They weigh us there. Scales are not fun.
Director of Logistics: You can get around that. Just ask them to not weigh you, or you can face away from the scale.
Director of Body Image: That makes us…sound crazy. Don’t love it.
Director of Weird Obsessions: Crazy? It’s important to know your health metrics. But, if we’re going to get into that we have to make room. We’re currently doing Sanskrit, and studying game theory to search for overlap. There are also several books in progress, one including Norse Mythology.
Director of Nutrition: I’d like to…WEIGH in. Get it? All joking aside, I know that fixation is kind of your thing, but string cheese is really climbing the charts. Almost surpassing chili roasted pistachios.
Director of Body Image: Okay, let’s make sure we’re sticking ONLY to foods on the approved list. Nothing carb heavy.
Director of Operations: Okay, I think we need a flow chart, and a chart weighing priorities.
Director of Fun: The fuck are you talking about? None of that.
Director of Libido: Can I just say that the chart weighing priorities feels very important to me. Not to sound desperate or anything.
Director of Health: You are always desperate. It’s shameful. We have an arrhythmia.
Director of Nutrition: Yes, we know. You always talk about it. But coffee is also important. If we’re talking about weighting certain priorities, coffee is top tier.
Director of Libido: I beg to differ.
Chairman: Director of Libido, you do not have the floor.
Director of Libido: I reject that.
Director of Operations: Enough. We have work to do, and coffee helps. (looks directly at the director of Libido) However, you do not.
Director of Weird Obsessions: I agree.
Director of Libido: Sanskrit is a waste of time. It’s an ancient language with no use. A fixation at best. There are more pressing matters to fixate on. It looks good in a t-shirt, or without a t-shirt, and…
Director of Weird Obsessions: Sanskrit is not a fixation. It’s a linguistic framework. It’s humankind’s first attempt at algorithm.
Chairman: To be fair, Director of Weird Obsessions, you bought four Sanskrit books in one week.
Director of Weird Obsessions: Research materials.
Director of Nutrition: Can we reduce the budget for research? String cheese has gone up ridiculously this past quarter.
Director of Health: I’d also like to point out. (Glances at Director of Libido) The heart data hasn’t been spot on. 201-251 in some cases.
Director of Libido: (narrows eyes)
Director of Operations: Okay, can we give someone else the floor? We haven’t even touched on Zermelo’s Theorem yet. I, for one…
Director of Weird Obsessions: Ummmm…I kind of thought that was my thing?
Director of Poetry: I’ve been quiet, and just really…..experiencing this room. It’s beautiful. (Makes eye contact with libido) Really beautiful. Can we just take a moment and appreciate the color of all of this?
Director of Fun: What the fuck? No. Listen, we haven’t played Mario Kart in forever.
Director of Operations: Well, to be fair, that isn’t particularly productive.
Director of Libido: (Taps microphone and looks at Director of Fun) Welcome.
Director of Health: Listen. We have been really cold lately. Really cold. We need to…
Director of Fun: Cold? You’re cold. That’s all you’ve got?
Director of Nutrition: I’m feeling attacked.
Chairman: Can we please pause? If someone is feeling attacked…
Director of Nutrition: I brought snacks.
silence
Director of Libido: (Smirking) Oh, the snack queen is attacked. Have you seen me martyring myself out here. I never get what I want.
Director of Childcare: Jude threw up.
prolonged silence
Everyone talking at once. Shouting. Arguing.
Chairman: ALRIGHT. We all get upset when someone is sick.
Director of Libido: Ugh. Now I don’t even want to be here.
Director of Fun: Well, thank fuck for that.
Director of Health: I wouldn’t argue…
Director of Operations: Okay, but did we quantify how much vomit? Was it legitimate puke?
Director of Anxiety: EVERYONE STOP TALKING!!! There are too many words, and feelings, and opinions, and…Director of Health, are we having a heart thing? Is this a heart thing? I really don’t want to go to the hospital. Jude is throwing up. What if he needs to go to the hospital?
Chairman: Okay, let’s all remain calm. I think we can all agree here that the sick child gets the priority.
silence
reluctant nodding
Director of Libido: Okay fair, but….
shouting
finger pointing
spilled water bottles
Chairman: We’d like to thank everyone for coming…(ducks to dodge thrown water bottle) that concludes our session.
The committee never reaches consensus.
It merely adjourns until morning.
By then, the Director of Health has new concerns, the Director of Weird Obsessions has purchased another book, and the Director of Libido has filed a formal complaint. It’s just a game of whack-a-mole with priorities, needs, and hierarchies.
The Chairman remains optimistic.
He shouldn’t.